For the first time in my life I am having anxiety about leaving my family behind. I grew up with my parents and siblings, far enough away from extended family that it took a day's drive to reunite. "Home" was wherever we were; together.
Now, I'm not sure if it is the having babies-getting married-having more babies cycle that instills some innate desire to root my family in some place. Or if it is more that my parents are slowly moving beyond middle age and I am beginning to experience a foreign emotion that feels something like nesting. I have the need to create a home, a place, that is for us - all of us; as many of us can fit. All are welcome.
I recently decided to apply for PhD programs (perhaps during a brief lapse in sanity), which means that all of my mental energy has been going towards exploring the options. What are the best programs? Where are they? What are the cities like? Do they have good schools? Will we be the only family of color around? Will it be the best move for US? I have found programs in all corners of the country that interest me, that are rigorous, and that also provide a socio-cultural-economic-greenish-educationally oriented environment for our family. And even as I look towards the beauty of Oregon, or the opportunity of prestigious schools in California, my thoughts continuously come back to Chicago. Minneapolis. The Midwest.
Now understand, this is a girl who flew the coop as soon as she turned 18. I was encouraged to fly as high as I dared and I have always owned that permission, even as I have grown older and had my own babies. The Midwest was not enough for this high-flying girl 10 years ago. I wanted fast and colorful and confusing. I wanted it so bad that I was missing all of the speed and color and wonderful madness that the Midwest had to offer. It wasn't until my daughter came into the world that I slowed to the awesome curiosity of a child's pace. I began to breathe.
And now I am breathing in this place and wondering where the next place will be. I want to fly - this time with my loves - as high as we can. I'm just not sure how many, if any, we will have to leave behind. For the first time it is really important to me to prepare the way. To make sure that our family will be secure; will have a place to call home. I remember what I knew so, so many years ago. That home is where we all are together. I don't think that is something I am willing to sacrifice for any PhD.
